Friendship later in life

For some that read this, you do not personally know me, for others, you know me, and others you know me really well.  What none of you know is that I struggle finding and making long lasting friendships now that I am in the “retirement” portion of my life.  I never imagined that one day I would be sitting at my computer wondering how to make a friend.

For most of my life, friendship happened naturally. It grew out of workplaces, classrooms, neighborhoods, and the countless activities that fill our younger years. I assumed it would always be that way. Then one day I woke up and discovered that I had become someone I never expected to be, living a life I intentionally chose, and yet still grieving the life I left behind.

I think about traveling.  Not the traveling that I do with my partner in our RV, but traveling in the world.  Going to all of the places that I was exposed to through my Grandfather’s National Geographic.  India…Australia…the Middle East…All of Canada…Mexico…Patagonia…Japan…Thailand….Bali…All of Africa…my list is endless.  I have been blessed to have traveled, but that has stopped, again because of choices I have made, but I want that to begin again.  And not the gentle, I am over 60 traveling, but the adventure traveling that I love to do.  Challenging myself to do something new, challenging my body to do something that it has never done before.  Eat food that I have never been exposed to, engage with people, learning about them and their lives.  Volunteering, to be in service to others while getting to know them and their country, along the way meeting those friends.  Some may be women that I travel with, and others may be friends that I never physically see again but see each other through Zoom.  I don’t know what it looks like, I just know that I  need to be with other women, challenging myself and traveling to all of these wonderful, majestic places all across the globe, and it is one of the ways that I would like to spend this phase of my life.  Meeting you, whether it is because you are seeking a session, or because you feel there is a connection and we create a friendship based on that connection, or I meet you in line at Costco and we start chatting, whatever the beginning of it is, I welcome it.  I have come to realize that what I am truly seeking is connection. Not surface conversations or casual acquaintances, but the kind of connection that allows us to be seen exactly as we are. The kind that reminds us we are not walking through this life alone. Perhaps that is why I miss old friendships so deeply and long for new ones so fiercely. It is not the activity that I crave, it is the sharing of the journey.

But…

How do I keep and maintain friendships?

What I have come to understand is that time and distance is the easiest way for friendships to fade away.  Rarely does one consciously think “I am going to break up with this friendship”, it usually is more about the business of life, or you move away, or both and you think of a person a little less, you don’t call as often, the text go unanswered a little longer, until that friendship fades away.  I am as guilty of that as anyone.  What I can tell you about me is, I will sit on the phone for hours, zoom, hours, text, me…not so much.  In fact I would love to have a penpal, the kind that send letters in the mail kind of penpal, not the email kind of penpal.  I fondly remember as a 10,11, 12,13 year old kid and having penpals, and they all started the same way, we loved the Bay City Rollers, and you would get a little book in the letter you would receive from your penpal and it was names and addresses of those that were looking for penpals and they were from all over the world.  At one time I had a penpal from Ireland, Australia and then many in the US.  But then we grew up, became teenagers no longer inthralled with the Bay City Rollers, and the letters stopped.  I think of them now and again, wondering what they are doing, where they live, and sadly I don’t remember their last names to even try to find them through social media.  How would I even find a penpal?  Does anyone even do that anymore?  I don’t know.  But, I go back to the original question, how do I make friends at this stage of my life?   I don’t know the answer.  What I do know is that my heart is open to meeting new friends, traveling to new places and exploring with them this phase of my life.

I find myself mourning the friends that are no longer in my life.  I find myself mourning that I didn’t take the time to really enjoy my time with them.  That I didn’t drink in all of the wisdom, and I certainly didn’t soak up all the love that they offered me.  I often go to that Stacey, in that time and ask her to please do what I didn’t.  I find myself mourning that there was so much that I took for granted and never once thought that I would feel lost, and not have the strong circle of women friends in close proximity to me.   Mourning is such a funny thing, we think that mourning is about death, and often times it is, but mourning comes in so many different forms and flavors, and this mourning that I am doing is for a time in my life, it is for the people that were in my life at that time, the honesty that they brought to me, the good times that we had together, the silliness that we were and the “trouble” that we caused.  I mourn for a time when making friends was so very easy.  I mourn that I have lost the Stacey that I was at that time, and instead find that I am turning inward, trusting less, protecting my heart more.  That  Stacey would not recognize the Stacey that I am today for so many reasons, but the biggest part would wonder why I am closing myself off more and more, not taking the chance because I am so afraid to loose yet another friend.  I know what I am doing, what I am actively doing, and by closing off my heart and going inward I am making it almost impossible to make and keep friends.  Mourning has a way of keeping you from being active in your own life if you let it, and I am.  Mourning is sneaky, it comes in and hides and then rears it’s head just when you think you have turned a corner and then it knocks you on your ass.  So how do I shake the mourning, open myself up to trusting that the friends that I make no matter how long they are in my life, that it is the perfect timing for me and them, and that I can’t be afraid that I will lose a friend, because you can’t loose a friend if you don’t make a friend.  How do I do this?

I am rereading this over and over and one of the things that I am seeing and admitting to, is I am the cause.  At some point I had to stop looking outside myself for answers, I take full responsibility.  I sit here at 61 trying to figure out how not to become the person who can’t make friends, doesn’t want to make friends, and slowly grows bitter.  I want to be the woman who is vivid, alive, filled with life, active, socially engaged, and surrounded by friends that I love, trust and cherish.  This is the bridge that I am trying to find so that I can cross it into a lively life.

I don’t have all the answers.  I still don’t know how to make friends while living in a remote area, working from home, and traveling half of the year in an RV.  I don’t know what the next circle of women in my life will look like, or where I will meet them.

What I do know is that my heart is still open.

Open to new friendships.

Open to new adventures

Open to new places.

I have also come to realize that the friendships I seek now are different than the friendships I sought at 25, 35, even 55.  At 25 we often seek companions.  At 61 we seek kindred spirits.  Women who have lived, women who have survived, women who have stories, women who can sit in silence and not need to fill it,  women who understand that friendship is not measured by how often we speak, but by how deeply we care.

I am now open to becoming someone I have not yet met.

Perhaps that is enough for now.  I have spent many years exploring spirituality, searching for deeper understanding, and learning to connect with myself in ways I never imagined. What surprises me now is realizing that friendship may be one of the most sacred practices of all. To witness another person's life, to allow them to witness yours, to laugh together, cry together, celebrate, grieve, and walk beside one another for however long the journey lasts—there is something profoundly holy in that. Perhaps the soul's journey was never meant to be traveled alone.

I want to take this time to say to all of the friends that I have now,  that I love you more then words can express, and I thank you for kicking me in the ass and reminding me that my life is far from being over.  I do have a good circle of friends, even if they are hundreds of miles away, they still count.  I will be there for you just as you have been there for me.  To the friends that I have close by, I am glad that you are near, that we do what we do together, and I look forward to making many many more memories with you.

After all, life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but rather sliding in sideways, totally worn out, shouting:

WHAT A RIDE!